Numb...

Today I feel numb... I don't know if that is a good thing or not but I feel totally numb. I want to cry but I can't... I want to be happy but I can't. I want to feel better but I can't. Today is father's day... a day that I truly hate, it's a day to remember my dad who passed away not making my sadness any better. But why do I feel sad about not being able to celebrate fathers day with my dad yet I can't cry?

The times I cry have been when I am along with my thoughts... during the day I feel like I am going through the motions of life yet I am not truly involved in it. I have switched gears from sad all the time to angry over what happened. I know this is all part of the healing process...

I go tomorrow to the doctor for the final step of this nightmare. At least tomorrow I will know when we can start trying again. I just want to get pregnant again... am I fearful that this will happen again, of course! But I know we are meant to have more kids and we will. I know June 12th will forever be etched in my memory... I know once I get pregnant again that this sadness will fade but I will never forget the baby that I lost. I will always wonder if it was a girl or boy, who he or she would have become, what he or she would have looked like... but I know I will find healing and peace once we get pregnant again. I just want to feel better and I want to be happy again.

I find it very difficult to be around pregnant people and babies right now. was at the mall yesterday and a pregnant women came walking past be toward the end of her pregnancy and I wanted to cry. I quickly darted the other way. I avoided the maternity section of the store that I loved browsing and I avoided the baby section as well... I felt like I was acting crazy but I just can't right now.

The sun is shining today and I feel like a dark cloud is over my head following me around... I hate this feeling. I hate that I feel numb today...